


Infatuation

by barneschester14



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Bucky needs a hug, Eventual Smut, F/M, Reader Also Needs a Hug, Slow ass burn, it'll happen children be patient, it's a rough life yo, its a hard knock life for everyone, reader is a badass
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:19:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6945286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barneschester14/pseuds/barneschester14
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Essentially it's all about your relationship with Bucky and how it progresses, but since I should write an actual summary: </p><p>You were rescued from HYDRA by the avengers years ago and now you work and train with them. When Steve asks you a big favour, your past and curiousity guides you to say yes, was it the right choice?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. New light

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this is my first work on this website so if it sucks just hmu & i'll try to make less crappy ones in the future :)
> 
> in all seriousness tho, I know it's a lil sloppy & it lacks a bit of detail but let a girl live ok, i appreciate all feedback and comments in regards to how this story is. thanks 4 reading!!

"You're making me a babysitter? Steve, c'mon that's not what I'm here to do" You said to Steve before you turned swiftly to walk away. 

Steve grabbed your arm, "(Y/n), all I'm asking is a couple of weeks, he needs to get back onto his feet and it shouldn't be in a cell." 

"Listen, we've been working with him for a bit and he's getting better but he needs a better environment." His pleading eyes shot right through you.

Your eyes locked with Steve's and you knew it was over. 

Ugh, he's so good at those damn puppy dog eyes. 

You were a strong girl but you weren't heartless, at least you didn't think you were. You had been in the exact same situation as the man Steve wanted you to watch over, so it was hardly like you could say no. 

"Goddammit, fine. You're a real son of a bitch you know that." You spoke sternly but you curled your lips to a grin and Steve chuckled to himself. 

"Thank you, (y/n), you're such a great person!" Steve called as he began to back down the hallway. 

"Tell me something I don't know!" You shouted back smiling to yourself as you spun around to walk to your room. 

What the hell did I just get myself into.

You weren't scared of much, considering your gruelling past with HYDRA, but even thinking of the so called "Winter Solider" sent chills down your spine. You had heard about him, all the assassinations he'd been responsible for. Although you were unsure of what might come from your near encounter with the man, a part of you was relieved that you agreed to have him stay with you. When the avengers had rescued you from HYDRA, you spent months locked away for fear of endangering lives. It was fair and you understood, you weren't in control of yourself, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't incredibly lonely. This solider didnt deserve to be locked away like you were, but the unknown still lingered in your mind like a dark void. 

\-----------------------------

You had just returned from a small mission with Nat, so you sat near the window adjusting your weapons and cleaning some minor wounds. Running missions with the avengers was something you always looked forward to. The rush of adrenaline and risk was pure ecstasy to you, of course it hadn't always been like that. When you were young, you liked to play on swing sets and do cartwheels in your backyard. That all changed when you and your younger brother were taken from your parents in a HYDRA raid. Decades passed of torture and pain, until you were saved. Unfortunately, your brother wasn't. That haunted you everyday. 

Your thoughts were interrupted when a knock was pressed on your door. 

"It's unlocked." You said.

The door slid open and you raised your gaze to see Steve with a tall, gruff man who's eyes were glued to the floor. 

"(Y/n), this is James Buchanan Barnes, better known as Bucky." Steve smiled softly. 

The man, you now knew to be named Bucky, didn't look up to meet your eyes. 

The silence was cut by Steve's phone ringing. He looked down at the screen. "I have to go, I'll see you two later." He smiled quickly and slipped out the door. 

The man just stood there, as if he was waiting for some sort of instruction. 

"Hey." You spoke up, "you can sit ya know." Your tone was warm.

That's when he lifted his head and connected his eyes to yours. It was a strange feeling, but you weren't scared, quite the opposite actually. His eyes were a deep blue, but they didn't look intimidating, in fact they looked inviting. 

He moved and took a seat on your couch. 

Silence again.

"Are you hungry, because I'm literally starving, do you like pizza?" He didn't reply, but he lifted his eyes to meet yours again. 

"Well even if you said you didn't you was gonna order it anyways, so." You smiled humorously. 

He nodded, and his lips lifted ever so slightly to form a small smile, which quickly disappeared and his head dropped again. 

\-------------------  
When you'd both finished eating, you took both his and your plate to the kitchen and set them in the sink. 

"Thanks." You head quietly from behind you. 

You turned and smiled, "The guest room is that door." The said as you ushered to a door down the hall from your living room. "I got blankets, pillows whatever else, so you should be good." 

He nodded in reply and got up to make his way in the direction of the guest room. 

"Hey, if you need anything just let me know, I don't mind" you said and he nodded once again. 

\--------------------------  
The next morning you woke up early, and made your way to the kitchen to make breakfast. It wasn't until you'd made your first helping of bacon that Bucky entered your living room. 

"Hey you, I'm making bacon." You said as you scrambled around the kitchen in your oversized sweater trying to find a plate for him. 

"Okay, thanks." He replied and sat down on your couch. 

You placed a hand dramatically to your chest, "He speaks!" 

He looked up at you, and you suddenly began to regret your mocking tone. But then he chuckled quietly and you were grateful that you had been so playful. You winked at him and turned back to scoop the bacon out of the pan. 

"You're not afraid of me." He spoke suddenly from behind you. Jeez, why did he always wait until your back was turned to provide input. 

The way he spoke didn't sound like a question but rather a statement, you turned around to see a puzzled look on his face. 

"Oh please, you're just some dude who's wearing a shirt that's way too tight, that's hardly menacing." You replied sarcastically. It broke your heart to see him question your friendliness, as if he didn't deserve it. 

He looked down at the black long sleeve that clinged to his body, and looked back up at you smiling, "That's not fair, you set this out for me, I hardly had a choice."

You smiled instantaneously hearing his snarky reply, "Touchè, I'll get Steve to get you better clothes tomorrow." And with this reply he nodded and smiled again.

You didn't know why, but it made you so happy to see his eyes filled with light.


	2. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky are flirty and you're a badass, that's really it.

It had been almost 2 weeks since Bucky temporarily moved in, and you had to say his company was actually quite nice. As he became more comfortable, he began to smile more, laugh more, almost as if he had no troubles in the world. Of course, you knew that wasn't true. Still you considered him an acquaintance, hell, maybe even a friend. 

You finished organizing your weapons for today's mission, and you looked up at Bucky. "Hey, you sure you up for this?" You didn't intend to patronize him, you were just concerned. Which was odd considering you didn't know him well enough to be worrying about him, yet you did anyways. 

He looked up to meet your eyes and smirked, "You sure you are?" 

You raised an eyebrow at him and pulled your lips into a grin, "I'm always up for a mission." 

You held eye contact with him for what seemed like forever, until your stare down was interrupted by a knock on the door. "Hey, we gotta go." You recognized Steve's voice.

"Let's roll." You said, as you and Bucky headed for the door.

\-------------- 

The air cut like blades to your skin, winter had just recently passed so the temperature was still grazing 0. 

You shuddered slightly as another gust of wind blew past, and then you looked to Steve. 

"Okay, so the bomb is being transferred through the city. Seems like it's heading for the airport just south of here. I don't have to tell you guys that we can't let it get there." 

Steve's eyes wandered the group as he spoke. "As we know, we can't access the vehicle without taking out the snipers first, we gotta have a clear path. (Y/n), take Buck and clear the snipers. Nat, Wanda and I will wait for your signal that it's clear, be quick."

With that instruction you nodded intently, and the group split to their assignments. You and Bucky ran left to reach the top level of the building where you thought the snipers would be stationed.

When got upstairs, the room was empty and quiet. 

Bucky motioned upwards, "the roof." 

You nodded and started to make your way back to the staircase when you heard movement behind you. You and Bucky whipped around but were greeted by a still seemingly empty room. 

"Something's wrong." You muttered to Bucky, "Someone's here." 

As soon as you expressed your realization to Bucky, 2 men sprung from behind a wall at the far end of the room. 

"Hey, welcome to the party." One of the men said and you turned your head quickly to Bucky. 

"I got this, get to the roof." You said before you turned back to face the men. 

"Well what are we waiting for then?" You smirked arrogantly.

"(Y/n, don't --" Bucky began in protest but you had already charged towards the group. 

You ducked a punch from the first man and hit a right hook to his cheek causing him to stumble backwards. You then roundhouse kicked him which left him disoriented. This left you with enough time to deal with the second on your right. He immediately sent vigorous hits towards you but you blocked each one with ease before kicking him in the stomach which sent him to the floor. 

"Having fun yet?" You said tauntingly before quickly grabbing a knife from your pocket. You spun around and shot the knife at the first man who was directly behind you hitting him square in the chest. 

You spent a little too much time admiring your perfect aim and the man you had kicked to the floor grabbed you in a chokehold from behind. You grinned at his feeble attempt and then flipped him over your body to the ground which was enough blunt-force trauma to at least put the man in a coma if not kill him. 

You dusted yourself off proudly, pushed your tattered hair out of your face and turned to see Bucky at the staircase looking at you.

"Sniper's dealt with, Steve and the other are dealing with the rest right now." He replied to your silence, not breaking eye contact. 

"Enjoy the end of the show?" You said playfully. 

He laughed, "Never knew you could fight like that." 

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me, Barnes" You replied as you passed him and began down the staircase. You could feel his eyes on you the entire time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a lil short i know, but I'll make the next ones longer!


	3. Revelation

The next couple of days, you and Bucky became even closer friends, and your appreciated how his sass was almost equivalent to yours. It was truly captivating to see him grow from quiet and fearful to friendly and even a little flirty. 

You smiled at the thought of his improvement, and then you snapped your mind back to the important question of the night. 

What were you gonna wear to Tony's party tonight? 

You looked down at the bed where you had placed a red and a black dress. Both form-fitting, both looked fantastic on you, I mean there's no point in lying to yourself. You decide on the red one, and quickly slip it on and zip it up. 

You walked out of your room into the living room to see Bucky in a suit and tie standing my the door. You'd never seen him all dressed up like this, and now that you had, you wished this would be his daily attire. Your eyes wandered slightly, which you felt guilty for, but I mean he looked so damn good it's not like you had a choice. His hair was slicked back into a bun and you were grateful that your could actually see his beaming blue eyes.

His eyes immediately sized you up and down, and he had an unreadable expression on his face. 

"You know, I was gonna complain about how long it took you, but the wait was definitely worth it." He smirked at you.

"Careful, you'll catch flies if you leave your jaw on the floor" 

"I was actually excited for the party, but now I feel like I wanna stay in" He inched towards you. 

"Is that how you picked up girls back in the 1940s?" You cocked an eyebrow at him. 

"Maybe." He smiled as he got closer to you. Your bodies almost touching.

"Well." You leaned up to his ear seductively, "you're gonna have to do a lot better than that, old man." You pulled away and smiled tauntingly before walking past him. 

"Old man. Wow, good one, I'm so hurt." He placed his hand to his chest sarcastically. 

"I know I'm hilarious." 

"That's debatable." 

"You know what, pack your things, how dare you, take that back!" 

He laughed, and the playful banter continued all the way out the door and down the stairs to the party. 

When you got there, it was just already full and boisterous, with the music playing loudly. 

Just then, Tony walked towards you and Bucky, "Hey firecracker, welcome to the party, you look especially spicy tonight." He winked at you. 

You laughed, "You couldn't come up with a better nickname, what the hell is firecracker." 

"I got a couple others, if you wanna hear em" Tony replied. 

You laughed again, and turned to see Bucky's eyes glued to Tony, with and expression that seemed to be annoyance. 

Tony turned to make eye contact, "What's up, Robocop, glad you could make it too."

"Your jokes just get funnier and funnier." Bucky replied, his words dripping with sarcasm.

"Well I don't know about you two, but I'm gonna go get wasted, so I'll see you later." He winked at you before turning to leave.

"Charming." Bucky said blandly.

"Don't be so uptight Barnes, this is a party right." You smiled up at him.

"Yeah, yeah whatever, let's just get some drinks." He replied as he took your hand and let you lead him into the party.

"What's up with you calling me Barnes, by the way?" He asked as you two walked through.

"Sometimes I just feel like it." You turned around to face him, and smiled, "I can call you whatever you want." 

"I like the sound of that." Bucky replied with a grin.

You rolled your eyes, "I hate you." 

"You know that's not true, you love me." 

"Whatever helps you sleep at night." You smiled and walked over to the bar. 

*Bucky's POV*

The rest of the night I couldn't keep my eyes off her. It was strange, the way she made me feel, I couldn't put it to words. Maybe because I had forgotten this feeling. 

Nevertheless, I was thankful for her. She was never scared of me, even in the beginning, which I appreciated. On top of that, she was just stunning, and it wasn't just about her amazing body, which was amazing indeed, but the way she laughed at her own jokes or always wore mismatched socks. 

I had been sure that I was a lost cause, that no one could help me, but now I questioned that ideology.

We had been at this party for hours and now a few people were saying goodbye and retiring to their rooms. I was standing with (Y/n), watching her laugh at Thor and Nat's jokes, I seriously believe I could look at her all day and never get bored. She was like the light at the end of a very dark tunnel. 

 

\-----------  
*Your POV*

You and Bucky returned to your place both pretty wasted and laughing like idiots at some stupid joke he had told on your way up the stairs. 

You walked into the kitchen to get yourself some water, and turned back to see Bucky leaning against the marble island in the centre. 

"You know, you're not half bad." He said smiling.

"Wow, what a compliment. I'm truly honoured, thank you." You replied sarcastically and this caused him to chuckle. 

"I didn't want to make your ego get any bigger." 

"Says you." You replied.

He walked around the island to stand only a few inches in front of you, he looked down at you before wrapping his hands around your waist.

"Just can't resist huh?" You joked.

"It hasn't been easy for me, watching you walk around in this dress." 

"You really think it's been easy for me when you're all dressed up like this, because think again." 

"Good, that was the intention, glad it worked out." 

Before you could reply he kissed you. Slow and tentative at first, as if he was testing the waters, but when you kissed back his kisses grew needier and more passionate. He grabbed your legs and lifted you onto the counter not daring to let your lips part for even a second. His tongue grazed your lower lip as if he were asking for an entrance, you happy obliged and kissed him deeper. You pulled off his jacket being careful not to break your kiss. He began trailing his lips down your jaw and your neck, you tangled your fingers in hair and moaned as he slid the sleeve of your dress down and continued to kiss down to your collarbone.

"Bucky" you breathed as you bit your lip to try an keep quiet.

Just then there was a knock on the door. 

"Bucky" you spoke a little louder, as a way to tell him you needed to answer the door. 

"Leave it." He breathed into your neck. And you almost did until you heard a familiar voice on the other side of the door. 

"(Y/n), it's Nat, you left your purse at the party, I thought I'd bring it to you." 

"Coming!" You shouted as you pushed Bucky off of you so you could hop down from the counter. 

You pulled your sleeves back up in an attempt to make yourself look presentable and opened the door. 

"Nat!" You smiled, "thank you so much, really I owe you!" You said as you took the purse from her hands still maintaining and innocent smile. 

"Uh huh...is everything okay (Y/n)?" Nat asked 

"Yeah, for sure, I'm just busy that's all." 

Nat peered to the left to see Bucky's jacket on the floor and his hair a bit of a mess. 

She cocked an eyebrow at you, "Sorry to interrupt then." She smiled at you slyly before turning and walking away. 

"Wonder if she was suspicious." Bucky smirked at you and you laughed. 

You two held eye contact for a couple moments before you spoke, "moment's ruined huh?" 

"I gotta get up early to help with training tomorrow anyways so." His excuse weak, but viable given the awkward encounter with Nat. 

You smiled, "Okay, well goodnight then." 

"You too." He replied as he began to walk past you to his room but he stopped beside you, "This isn't over though." He winked at you before making his way into his room.

You stood in the middle of the living room and smiled to yourself, maybe you and Bucky were a little more than friends. 

\-----------------

You were awoken abruptly to Bucky yelling in his room. You grabbed your gun from under your pillow and made your way to his room. You had no idea what to expect, but when you got there it was just Bucky shifting violently in his bed. 

You dropped your gun, and made your way over to the side of the bed and kneeled as you placed hand on Bucky's chest, "Hey Bucky, wake up." But the convulsing continued. 

You shook him hard this time, "Bucky! Wake up!" And his eyes shot open, he immediately sat up and grabbed your wrist with his metal arm in some sort of defence.

"Buck, hey it's okay, it's me, you're okay." You spoke calmly even though the pressure on your wrist was nearing unbearable. He let go and his eyes met yours. You had never seen him so scared, so vulnerable. 

"(Y/n)." He breathed quietly.

"It's me, you're safe, it's okay." 

And with that response he breathed a sigh of relief and buried his head in your neck.

"I'm sorry." His voice dwindled as he spoke.

"You don't have to apologize Buck, I'm fine." You ran your fingers through his hair and he lifted his head to make eye contact with you. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" You asked softly.

"No, I-- I can't remember." His eyes shifted back and forth frantically.

"Hey, hey, Buck look at me." You slid your hands underneath his jaw to lift his eyes to you, "It's okay, you're okay." 

He nodded and then dropped his head.

You moved your hands down on top of his, "You should try to go back to sleep." You suggested gently and he nodded 

"I can stay, if you need me to."

"You should go back to sleep, you don't have to stay. " 

"I want to."

He looked up at you again and smiled weakly. 

You watched over him hours after he had gone back to sleep, just to make sure he was okay. It broke your heart to see him so fear-stricken, you wished you could do something to change it all, to give him the life he deserved to have. But you couldn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actual smut will happen later that's a customer guarantee.


	4. Relapse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait, ive been hella busy and hella pissed about the whole HYDRA cap thing. 
> 
> but here's another chapter as I promised it's a lil short tho, I'll try 2 make the next couple longer !!

The next morning you wake up on the floor of Bucky's room, your hair plastered to your face. You sit up gradually, pushing your hair from your eyes. God your back hurt, the floor was not an ideal place to sleep. You looked over at the bed and noticed Bucky was no longer there. You eventually gathered enough energy to stand up and make your way into your living room where you saw Bucky sitting on the couch silently.

"Hey you." You spoke with warmth, but Bucky didn't meet your eyes. 

With that, you walked into the kitchen and grabbed yourself an apple. 

"You want anything to eat?" You asked as you bit into the apple.

"No." He replied quietly. 

You stood there for a moment, your breath shaky. It was like he was back at square one and the thought of that made your heart drop.

You realized there had been silence for too long so you spoke up softly, "Don't you have to go help Steve with training today?" 

No response. 

"I'll go, okay? You stay here." You said but his eyes remained glued to the floor.

You debated sitting next to him, trying to say something, anything, that might lift his spirits. But you realized he probably needed space and time, so you sighed and walked past him out the door.

\----------------  
When you got there, you saw Steve standing in the hallway talking with Sharon, you didn't want to interrupt but you weren't just going to stand there like an idiot so you decided to interject.

"Steve, Sharon, hey." You said as you approached them, "Sorry to bother you guys."

"Don't even worry about it, (y/n), I was just heading out anyways." Sharon smiled, "I'll talk to you later, Steve." 

Steve turned to you with a friendly yet puzzled look on his face, "I didn't think you were helping out today?" 

"I wasn't, but uh, Buck isn't really feeling up to it." You smiled weakly.

"He's relapsing?" 

"I don't know Steve, all I know is he was fine until he had a nightmare last night and now he's just--" Your voice trailed off.

"I know, this has happened before, it's gonna take him a while to fully recover." His eyes trailed down to the floor, you could tell this subject had a negative effect on him.

You opened your mouth to respond but Steve cut you off, "Maybe he should stay in a holding cell until this passes, just so that--"

You cut him off, "No, it'll be fine."

"(Y/n), he's unpredictable when he's like this, you could get hurt." Steve spoke sternly, trying to persuade you otherwise but you weren't budging.

"Steve, I've been there. I know what it feels like to be locked up in a cell, and it's less than ideal, I can handle it." You spoke with assurance. 

Steve looked you, as if he was trying to think of something to say that could convince you to agree with him.

"Steve, please." You said more softy.

Steve breathed out a sigh of defeat, "Fine, but be careful."

"I always am." You smiled, "so are we gonna train or what?" You raised an eyebrow, and turned to walk down the hall to the training areas, Steve following closely behind you.

\-------------------

You turned the key and pushed your door open lightly; your place was dim and quiet, you looked over to see Bucky still perched on your couch. It was now well into the evening, and it was apparent to you that Bucky probably hadn't moved all day.

You slid your jacket off and hung it up and then you approached the couch. Sitting on the arm you waited for a moment to see if your presence would cause Bucky to react in some way, but it didn't. 

"Hey Buck, you haven't eaten all day, do you want me to make something?"

Bucky shook his head.

You reached your arm out to touch his left shoulder, as your hand brushed his skin he flinched slightly. 

"You're safe here, you know that right?" 

He head lifted slowly and you thought maybe he would look at you, but he just stared straight ahead. 

"Ok well I want to go to sleep, but since you're not leaving the living room guess I'm not either." You said as you got up and moved to the chair directly across from him.

You laid your head back and closed your eyes, your thoughts rushed through your head rapidly but Bucky's well-being was the last thought that crossed your mind before you fell asleep.


	5. Break

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky loses it a lil, but you're there to pull him back from the edge

The light sliced through the window as you gradually opened your eyes to face the sun. You squinted and sat up to move your face away from the bright beams, and you turned your focus to Bucky. He was still sleeping on the couch, his breaths calm and collected. You decide not to wake him by making noise to construct some sort of breakfast, so you stand up and make your way to your bedroom. You might as well make use of your time you think, so you quickly go change into shorts and a loose-fitting tank top. You grab your running shoes quietly and slip out the door. 

Maybe he's beginning to get better you thought to yourself as you made your way outside, there's no harm in being hopeful.

\-----------------  
*Bucky's POV*

I woke up suddenly, my eyes slowly coming to focus on the ceiling above me. My breathing gets heavier as I sit up abruptly and begin to take in my surroundings.

Where the hell am I. 

It's quite obviously someone's house, but I've never seen it before. 

My eyes begin to move faster around the room, searching for answers. Small fragments of memories wander in my mind but I can't put anything together. I look down at my hands, moving them in front of my eyes trying to remember my name.

Panic sets in, rushing through my body and sending chills up my spine.

I shut my eyes tightly, pushing myself to remember something, anything. But I can't. 

\--------------------

*Your POV*

When you returned, you took your shoes off and set them by the door before turning to look to the couch Bucky had previously been sitting on. The space was now empty. You peered your head into the kitchen but there was no trace of him there either.

 

"Bucky, I'm back." You took a few steps inward, rotating your gaze around the room. You were met with no reply.

You finally made your way into the doorway of your bedroom where you saw Bucky staring out your window. Your eyes then circled the room, which was a disaster. Your clothes and books were scattered recklessly along the floor, all your drawers were pried open. You took a step into the room which caused Bucky to whip around and lock eyes with you. He cocked his head slightly, and stared at you. His eyes didn't feel familiar, instead they felt dark and piercing.

"Where am I?" He asked gruffly. 

"Bucky, you're safe, you were rescued by the avengers." You replied calmly, but you could feel your blood rising.

His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes shifted back and forth with confusion.

You walked slowly towards him, which was probably the worst idea out of an array of way better options, but you couldn't let yourself stand silently and watch him suffer. When you got close enough, you lifted your hand up cautiously. He grabbed your wrist abruptly with his metal arm and pressed heavily as he lifted his gaze to meet yours. 

"I don't know who you are." He spoke grimly. 

"That's okay." You spoke with assurance but you flinched as his grip grew tighter. "I'm (y/n), you've lived here with me for about a month now, do you remember?" You searched for some form of light in his eyes but you couldn't find any. 

He didn't answer, instead he pressed harder on your wrist causing you to flinch slightly. 

"Bucky, I don't want to hurt you." You spoke through the growing pain.

"I don't think that's going to be a problem." He replied. The voice wasn't a familiar one, instead it was the voice of a stranger.

You knew any more pressure might break some bones you reached for a small knife that was on the desk behind you.

You swung your hand upwards and cut his cheek, not incredibly deep but deep enough for him to release his grip. You took a few steps back, in hopes of potentially talking him back to normal but your ideas were cut short as he lunged forward. Grabbing your throat, he pushed you back into the wall behind you. He wasn't pushing hard enough to impair your breathing, but the grip was less than comfortable.

You breathed heavily, "Bucky, stop." 

He eyes held eye contact with you but he didn't let up. 

"Bucky, it's (y/n), you know me." Your voice nearing a pleading state. 

That's when his eyes changed, the light you had been searching for before began to cut through and his demeanour changed completely.

He loosened his grip, "(Y/n)?" He breathed.

"It's me." 

And with that he released his grip entirely and stumbled backwards a couple steps.

You let out a sigh of relief, and stepped off the wall behind you. You began to walk towards Bucky but he backed up further and held his hand out. 

"Don't, I don't want to hurt you again." He said clenching his eyes shut.

"Bucky, I'm fine, really." You attempted to reassure him but he turned and paced quickly out the door leaving you standing there.

You breathed out a sigh of defeat and looked down at your wrist which was already beginning to bruise. You were hardly phased however, you'd been through much worse.

Obviously the events were anything but good, but you couldn't help but wonder why he didn't kill you. He easily could've snapped your neck instantaneously, but he didn't, hell he didn't even put enough pressure on your neck to put any strain on your breathing. 

 

He was improving, you could tell, and it clearly wasn't going to be easy but you weren't going to give up on him, he deserved that much.


	6. Reconciliation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey sorry it's been like 400 years since i updated this, but here's the first chapter of two that i plan on posting this week so stay tuned  
> (this is kinda short but i had to get this stuff over with? i know right, fckin finally, anyways I'm ranting. Enjoy.

After standing with your thoughts for god knows how long, you realized you should go talk to Bucky. You turned and headed out the door to see Bucky sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. You felt your stomach drop as you let out a shaky breath, it was painstaking to see him in this state. You gathered your strength and you walked over to stand in front of Bucky.

"Bucky." You said calmly.

He didn't look at you, instead he shook is head slightly, "Go, I can't hurt you again." The sound of defeat dripping from his words.

You heard what he said, but you did the complete opposite. Kneeling down, you pushing yourself in between his legs and rested your hand on his. As soon as your skin brushed his, he pulled away.

"I'm sorry." He barely choked out. 

You slid your hands under his jaw and lifted his head slowly, but he still didn't dare to look you in the eyes. 

"Buck, hey, please look at me, I'm fine." You smiled pleadingly, and his eyes finally connected with yours.

"I shouldn't be staying here, I'll go talk to Steve and--" 

"Nonsense, you're staying. Bucky, what happened wasn't your fault, things like that happen. Trust me when I say that I understand." You searched for any sign of hope in his eyes but any other emotion was hidden behind an sea of distraught. 

"I forgive you, but you have to forgive yourself." You said, practically begging. 

"I won't hurt you again." Is all he managed to say in reply and with that you smiled.

"I believe you." You said before you leaned in to press your lips gently on his. 

When your lips parted you pulled his head into the crook of your neck and held him. To your surprise, you felt his arms wrap around you and he pulled you in tighter. 

You don't know how long you stayed like that, just holding him, but you didn't care. You knew he deserved better, and you weren't going to stop until you helped him get his life back. 

\-------------

A few days passed since that incident, and Bucky had begun to get better once again. With every smile or laugh you saw a glimmer of light, and that was your beacon of hope. 

You never forgot what it was like to feel broken and alone. You never forgot what it was like to have no one, to be no one. HYDRA stole your life away from you and over your dead body would you let it consume Bucky the way it consumed you. Of course, you hadn't told him about your brooding past, not because you didn't want to but you didn't want to burden him with other problems while he was recovering. And you were better, hell you became an entirely new person when Steve rescued you, and because of that you were no longer stuck in eternal loneliness. But there was still parts of your life that belonged to HYDRA, like your family. Steve had been helping you search for your brother for a little over a year now, and the thought of not knowing where he was ate away at you everyday. So maybe you were helping Bucky to overcompensate for yourself, but never the matter, you wanted him to be happy, and you weren't planning on giving up on him anytime soon. 

Your mind was snapped back to reality when your alarm clock beeped loudly. 

Shit, right, early morning training. Fucking fantastic. 

You reluctantly got out of bed and made your way to the kitchen where you were surprised to see Bucky standing in the middle of.

"Uh, good morning, may I ask what you're doing?" You smiled, half out of amusement and half out of confusion. 

"Well." Bucky began, he back still facing you, "I was gonna make breakfast, or at least try to, but I'm not really sure how any of this stuff works." He whipped around to face you, a wide grin spread across his face. 

Your smile grew wider and you shook you head, "why don't you leave the hard stuff to me, hey don't you have to go to bingo or something?" You cocked your eyebrow slyly.

"Ha, hilarious, the old man jokes never got old, really I mean it." He smiled sarcastically.

"That's what I'm here for." You replied, "well that and helping Steve with training, you wanna come?" 

Bucky hesitated for a moment, "Uh, yeah sure." 

"Great, let's get going shall we." And you both turned and headed out the door.


	7. Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello i am back!! sorry it's been literally almost a year i suck i know!! anyways here i am with a new chapter, i'm gunna try to be more active w this fic!! thank u everyone for leaving nice comments i appreciate!!

Training seemed to be going well, and you could finally see Bucky immersing himself back into productiveness. You had learned a while ago that it can be beneficial to direct your anger towards something more helpful and less self-destructive. You felt your lips curl into a small smile as you watched him hit the punching bag with intensity. God, you could seriously watch him all day. 

"How is he?" Steve's voice pulled you away from your thoughts.

"Better." You smiled. 

"I'm glad." He replied, then looked at you as if he had more to say yet he stayed silent. 

"Is everything okay?" You asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Uh." Steve began. He took a look around the room as if to make sure no one was listening. "It's about your brother." 

With that sentence you felt your face fall. "What? Did you find him?" you replied urgently. 

\---------  
*Bucky's POV* 

I hit the punching bag one more time, as forcefully as possible, before I stopped and grabbed my water bottle. 

I looked over to where she was standing, and watching me so intently earlier. Yes I had noticed. 

However, when I looked over, hoping to catch a smile, I saw her in the midst of a conversation with Steve. I thought nothing of it at first, until I saw her face change, the colour draining to a pale white. 

Something was wrong. 

I debated going over, but I realized that interrupting may not be the best option. 

So I stood back, trying to figure out what was happening. 

I watched her take a shaky breath, her eyes tearing from Steve's gaze, before she walked quickly out of the gym. I couldn't stand here anymore. 

"Steve!" I called, as I walked over to meet him. "What's going on?"

"Buck, it's not really for me to say." He stopped. 

He must have saw the distress and worry in my eyes because he took a breath and hesitantly continued. "(Y/n) and her brother were taken by HYDRA when they were kids. We saved her but we couldn't save him. She's been trying to track him down for years, and finally we found him." Steve swallowed, "He's a solider, brainwashed like you." 

I felt my heart drop and my breathing quicken. She was taken by HYDRA? Why didn't she tell me? The amount of emotions I felt were indescribable, I couldn't believe HYDRA had hurt her, I was enraged. I was also sad, very sad, no one deserved what happened to him, especially not her or her brother. 

"Where did she go?" I ask, well actually, more like demand.

"To her room, I think she needs some time Buck." 

But I took off in that direction as soon as he told me. I wasn't sure what I was going to walk into, but I knew I had to protect her the way she protected me. 

\-----------  
*Your POV*

You opened your eyes, taking sharp and shaky breaths, your hands balled at your sides. 

You felt pain in your fists, and you lifted them to see blood dripping from your knuckles. You lifted your head and saw the destruction. The mirror was smashed, all of your belongings scattered around the room. 

A violent episode. At least that's what the psychiatrist had said. You used to have them a lot when Steve first rescued you, but you got better at channelling your emotions into other things. 

Of course, you don't remember doing any of this. It's called an episode because it's like your logical thought just goes away for a bit and your emotions play the leading role. 

You were shaking, and god did your head hurt, you hadn't noticed until now. You tried to think, work out some sort of plan, tell yourself it was okay.

But it wasn't. You swore to your parents before they died that you would always protect your little brother. But you failed. The only wish your dying parents had was for your brothers safety. That was the only think they wanted. Now he's some sort of super solider who works for HYDRA. The pain and torture you let happen to him, because you failed to protect him like you promised. 

You squeezed your eyes shut, and tried to slow your breathing. 

It's not my fault. 

But it is. It is my fault. It's my fault, I did this, I--

"(Y,n)?" A familiar voice snapped you out of your intrusive thoughts. "What happened, are you okay?" 

Bucky. 

"Nothing, I'm fine." You had intended for this response to come out confidently but instead it came out as barely a whisper. 

"Jesus, (Y/n)." He let out a breath and paused. You assumed he was assessing the damage of the room. 

"(Y,n), look at me." He spoke softly, walking toward you. 

You lifted your head slightly to meet his eyes. You don't know why, but when your eyes meet, the pressure in your chest goes away and you suddenly feel a sense of safety. 

He then sees the blood on your hand, you assume from punching the mirror but you're not exactly sure. 

"Shit, (Y,n), we need to get that cleaned up." 

He looks down at your hand and you try to pull it behind you, feeling embarrassed that he had to see you in a state like this. 

"Hey, don't." He lifts his eyes to once again meet yours, "You don't have to hide anything from me, do you understand? I'm here." 

And with that you collapse in his arms, gripping him tightly as you allow your tears to fall. 

He holds you, and pets your hair slowly. 

"I don't -- I don't know what to do." You manage to choke out. 

"We'll figure it out, I promise." 

And for some reason, you believe him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this is a mess, i literally wrote this in 15 minutes lol, if u have any kind comments pls lemme know or if this is trash af lemme know thanks xoxo


	8. Dark Hour

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You plan for the biggest mission of your life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey it's ur fav inactive piece of garabge sorry i suck and this chapter is short af, imma try to update this story as much as possible ok that's all xo

Bucky had been taking care of your hand on the couch for what felt like forever. You didn't know how long you'd been silent, but you were thankful that Bucky hadn't pressured you to speak. You didn't even know what to say, or if you'd even be able to say anything without breaking down. Your eyes remained glued to the floor as Bucky finished wrapping your hand. 

"(Y/N)." Bucky finally spoke softly, "We're gonna find him." He cupped your cheek in an attempt to raise your eyes to his. 

Eventually you made eye contact, and his blue eyes soothed you slightly. 

"Steve told you, huh?"

Bucky simply nodded. 

"I--" You began to feel yourself break again and struggled to maintain composure. "I've been looking for him for years, hoping he would be alright." 

You exhale deeply, "I was supposed to keep him safe, but I didn't." 

"(Y/N), listen to me, this isn't your fault." He looked at me reassuringly. 

You break eye contact, "If I can't save him--" 

"We're going to. I promise." He put emphasis on the we. 

You smile ever so slightly and take his hand. 

"Thank you." 

"You don't have to thank me." 

You lean yourself into him, allowing him to wrap an arm around you. 

Steve had sent Bucky to you in an attempt to get you to help him. Hell, maybe Steve planned on you saving him. But you couldn't help but think you needed him more than he needed you. 

With that thought you drift to sleep, allowing the sound of his heartbeat to relax your thoughts. 

_____________________________

When you wake you're surprised to see Bucky still cuddled next to you. 

A part of you wanted to stay, with your body intertwined with his. Any other day you might've. But today was the most important day of your life. You were going to save your brother. 

You get up slowly in order not to wake Bucky and you slip into your room. Shutting the door and pulling out your phone, you dial Steve. 

He answers almost immediately, "(Y/N)." 

"Where and when." 

"Listen, intel says they'll be holding your brother at the hydra base in Romania for at least a few more days. It's been a rough couple of days, maybe it'd be best if we waited --" 

"Steve, you and I both know i'm not waiting." 

Steve sighs on the other line, "Okay, but if we're doing this, we need to be prepared. All of us." 

"Understood." 

"Meet us downstairs in half an hour, we'll go over the plan and then we'll get going." 

"Got it." You're about to hang up but you hesitate, "Steve." 

"Yes."

"Thank you." 

"I know how much this means to you. I'll see you soon." 

You hang up and turn to see the door open and Bucky in the doorway. 

"Hey, everything okay?" He asks, inching towards you. 

"We meet Steve in 30 minutes." 

"Copy that." He leans in and places a kiss to your temple, "I'll be ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so i actually hate this story, i messed up and i rushed the plot and now i don't really wanna continue it ............ i might half-ass the end of this story but idk..... sorry i'm the worst!


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